im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
