These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
