turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
