My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
