i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
