I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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