god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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