I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
