Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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