the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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