A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
