Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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