I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
