normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
