She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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