things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
