just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
