The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
