can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
