No stitches, just platelets and will power
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
