i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
