There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
