My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
