around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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