I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
