Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
