not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
