Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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