a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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