Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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