I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
