Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
