Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
