All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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