Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
