She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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