it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
