am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
