I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
