I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We have started to decorate penises.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
