he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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