Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
They took my balls.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
