dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
