the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
