i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
