Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
