i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
