party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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