You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
