Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
